Here's something more about me. Something more personal about me,to be precise. If you hadn't know me well enough,I don't actually like the thought of expressing my feelings or thoughts too much in public. Sometimes,I don't even find any reasons why I should share among my very very close friends too. This time,I didn't know why. But I'd take this 'risk' to somehow share what I've been through/currently going through.
About two years back,it was indeed a nightmare for me. As I've mentioned in the previous entry,I touched that it was the downhill of my life. I really did not know how to climb back up. Because truth be told,physically & mentally,I was too weak to pull myself up. At one point,I find it pointless to seek help from anyone because I know none of them can help me. Nothing much they can do aside from being there for me. But what about midnights when you're all left alone? Feeling vulnerable,helpless & not to mention,stupid. & what if at one point when people around you assume that you've moved on,or you probably already should. Ranting your problems towards them is a little too much by then,isn't it? I don't like to trouble my situations with people around me because fact is,I don't like the thought of being looked down. By that means,emotionally.
I discovered this attitude of mine since last year? I am not very sure. But there's once my mom sat down & had a serious talk with me. Which I totally didn't expect. I don't know when it was but surely,it's been a very long time. I am sure mothers know their children the best. & the conversation was something like:
She told me: Darling,I know you the best. You tend to have this attitude since young. This attitude,refers to constantly like to prove people wrong. Constantly want people to know that you can never mess with me or else you're in trouble. Constantly showing that very tough look of mine even though things are not fine. I have this personality,whereby I have very strong opinion of my own. I am very straight forward & when I know I am right & still there's people want to argue about it,I make sure I win that argument. To make it less serious,she ended that conversation with,you should really be a lawyer in the future. She then laughed.
& she left me thinking for quite awhile now,is it a good quality I am showing? Is it a good attitude/personality I am having since young age? I don't know.
Because of this personality of mine,I don't really share my problems with my friends. I do. But to some extent,there are things that I'd rather keep within myself. Hate me or whatsoever,but I still think that my image is very important to me. Because when somebody ask my friends about me,I want them to answer things like.
"Vanessa? She's a strong & tough girl. She never broke down in front of us,did she?"
& breaking down in front of my friends,it's a huge embarrassment I'd say. What more feeling ashame to admit to you readers now? 18 years of living,of course I did broke down. In front of myself. I've been through horrible situations that at the end of the day,I lied down on my bed,thoughts running wild & tears starting flowing like waterfall. I swear,I swear moments like this,I'd always have the thought of breaking into my parents room & hug them. Hug them,cry my problems out. Telling them that whatever I am facing,it's so hard for me to even take a breathe right now. Vanessa still being herself,she never once did. Because even in front of her family members,She'd still want to be that tough one.
It's okay if people had hurt me in the past. What more to be embarrassed to type this out? It hurts. It hurts the crap out of me. Your heart was thumping as though you're about to get a heart attack,it hurts like it's going to lose its function anytime. & that weird pain,out of nowhere from the back to your head. It hurts. I know what it feels like. All these freaking pain,scars,heartbreak or whatsoever,I cried them out & somehow,sleep them off. Besides,I have people commenting to me that,
"Van,you're young I'd say. In fact,too young to have this level of maturity in you. Do you know that you should be proud of yourself already? I have friends,who are way elder than you,but they failed to think like you. I want you to relax your mind,you're one good girl doing a great job already."
In fact,I have a lot of people telling me this. But what's the point? I mean,I do appreciate your compliment for that. But I'd still want to think in a mature way. I don't want to be treated like a kid. Or if there's people thinking that I am not even close to it,I don't mind acting to be one. Remember? I'd still want to have that tough & strong face of mine.
& to those who had hurt me in the past,this is for all of you. When most of you knew me at first,you guys never failed to compliment how great my smile is. Saying that you would love to see my smile everyday,didn't you?
To whoever out there,smile is your best revenge to those who've hurt you. & for life I am going to agree with this statement,nods likeaboss with this statement like nobody's business.
The most beautiful smile. That one smile that made people fell into,has gone through hell. That face of that her,& her smile touched others is because of her past experiences. No matter how many scars she was given in the past. There,stood that girl who has the most toughest & strongest look. What more,flashing that smile of hers. At this moment,for those who've hurt her should no doubt feel the guilt as much as you want & not forgetting,go feel as much embarrassment as you want too. :)
& I swear up to this point,I didn't know what title should I insert for this entry. :P Besides,before I leave. A surprise to you readers! Yes yes,my first ever song cover. Please,don't laugh at my horrible voice. :3 & before I forget,let me know if you want to have more of these song covers. :B
Sincerely from your blogger,